Regret and Rectification
by sCosplayChameleon
Summary: When Shepard is forced to face the crushing reality of her actions, Garrus steps in to provide the comfort she never knew she needed.


**This takes place about midway through ME3. I needed to write this, as playing full renegade has been slowly killing my soul. I hope you enjoy this and that if you too have had your emotions murdered by going this route, that this helps!**

* * *

I am a cold calculating killer. I do what it takes for the betterment of the galaxy and the human race. To say I am skeptical and mistrustful would be an understatement. I have taken and saved countless lives. Emotions are non-existent. Or so I thought.

 _They built me from scraps. I'm not even really alive. I'm more robot than human. Pull yourself together, Shepard! None of your feelings matter. They haven't since before you died. You did what you had to do, that is all._ Still, the tears stream down my cheeks, not obeying me. The images of their bodies riddled with the bullets I put there flash through my mind. Mordin, Wrex. Their mortal wounds have done nothing but haunt me since I let the truth slip to Garrus three nights ago.

I slap my face with all my strength. "GET IT THE FUCK TOGETHER SHEPARD! THEY DIED IN COMBAT! YOU AREN'T SOME PUSSY WHO CRIES OVER FALLEN SQUAD MATES!" I shriek at my reflection the mirror. I try to focus my attention on the nasty cybernetics protruding from my cheeks and the harsh red glow from my pupils. _See that? That's the face of a machine designed to get the job done. You don't get to take breaks to think about_ feelings _. Straighten up before you compromise everything you've worked so hard for._

Like a blast from a shockwave I'm slammed into the counter by shame and horror as a memory of Mordin blocks out everything else. One of his stupid songs starts playing on repeat in my brain. Over and over again I hear the words. My shoulders begin to shake as sobs leave my throat. I clamp my hands over my ears. "SHUT THE HELL UP! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" I fall onto my knees, slamming my arm painfully against the wall. _I killed them… I killed them…_ My breaths become fast and shallow. I can't seem to bring oxygen into my lungs. _I murdered two of my best friends…_ I fight to pull in air. _What have I done… What have… NO._ I lash out punching the vanity in front of me. I try to steel myself, but my legs are too wobbly to allow me to stand. _If I don't stand up and act like everything is— not act like. Everything_ is _fine. EDI will send someone to check on me. That's unacceptable._ I grab the edge of the sink with both hands and haul myself up, leaning my weight against it. I look into the mirror. My face and eyes are red and wet with tears, making me look even more ghoulish than I already did. I hate the face I see in front of me. I hate the wretched woman. For a brief moment, I consider opening the airlock and letting it suck her out into space. But I wouldn't dare give her the satisfaction.

A noise from behind startles me. I whirl around, biotics glowing to life in my hands.

Garrus stands there, holding his hands up in defense. "Sorry, I knocked, so I assumed you knew I was going to come in."

I drop my arms and throw my shoulders back. "Try knocking louder next time. I must have not heard you over the running water. Did you need something?" _Shit. I hope he can't tell I've been crying. At least I'm not his species so maybe he'll buy that I was just washing my face._

The turian steps closer to me. "I don't know about need, but I wanted to spend some time with you." He says, his voice full of flirtation.

 _No, I need to get him out of here._ "Not today Garrus. I don't feel like company."

"Why? Something bothering you?" He asks, running his fingers gently down my arm.

I flinch away from him. "Don't touch me!" I scream as tears rush back into my eyes. _I don't deserve him. Machines don't love. They can't care about anyone. UGH! NO! I'M STRONGER THAN THIS! There will be no more tears._

Garrus quickly steps away, worried. "Shepard, I didn't mean—"

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" I shout. As my shoulders start quivering again, I clench my fists and pretend it's anger.

My tears betray me and Garrus refuses to leave. "No. You're hurting, and I'm not going to leave you like this."

"I'm not—" My voice breaks, and I clear my throat. "I'm not some damsel in need of rescue. I'll solve my own damn problems." _Just leave me._ I grit my teeth.

"It's not just damsels that need rescuing." Garrus tells me plainly, holding his ground.

I raise an eyebrow, unwilling to speak and risk my voice giving out again.

He crosses his arms and leans back against the wall. "I can count how many of the strongest soldiers have needed assistance at one point or another. It's all of them. All of us. Look, I'm not here because I think you wouldn't be okay if I left, or to make you feel weak. I'm here because I care about you, Shepard. You can talk to me."

"Well, you shouldn't…" I begin, forcing the words to sound normal. "You shouldn't care about me. I'm not worth your time." I brush past him and move to gaze into the fish tank. "I'm a commander. A piece in a larger fight. Nothing more."

"That isn't true." Garrus follows me, his attention never leaving my face. "I know what's eating at you. But I also know that it doesn't make you a monster. None of this would have happened if it wasn't for this damned war. You did what was necessary, what most people wouldn't have the gall to do. It would be different if you were glad you killed them or did it just because you could."

My tears begin to flow faster, completely out of my control. I angle my body away from him, shieling my face. "How is it that you don't hate me? I'm a ruthless bitch; it's only reason I'm alive."

"You're tough to get along with from time to time, I'll give you that. But you're also incredibly dedicated, driven, and, even though you may not see it, caring. We've gone through a lot together. I've never hated you; I've only developed more respect for you." The turian answers honestly.

I hang my head, utterly defeated. "Shit Garrus… I don't deserve—"

"Shut up." He pulls me to him and hugs me against his uncomfortably hard chest.

At first, I resist, but he holds me close and rests his chin lightly on top of my head. _How did this happen? For him to forgive all that I've done… when I can't…_ I throw my arms around him and, for the first time, allow myself to feel my emotions. The sorrow is crushing, and I sob against his chest. "I failed them."

"Maybe. But that doesn't make you a failure." He strokes the back of my hair, holding me close.

I don't attempt to speak again. I just relish in his nearness and let my sorrow and self-loathing pour out through tears. However, amid all the grief and mourning is a spark of hope. _I love Garrus Vakarian._

After a long while when my tears begin to dry up and a weight lifts off my shoulders, Garrus takes a small step back. "There, now do you feel better?"

I swipe my cheeks to remove some of the water and look at him seriously. "We're going to make those Reaper assholes pay for every bit of this."

His mandibles tilt into a smile and he nods. "Damn straight."

I wander across the room and fiddle with a container on my nightstand. "You know you're the only one I've let get this close to me."

"Glad to know you aren't cheating on me, Shepard." Garrus chuckles.

I cut my eyes at him, but there's no venom behind it. "You know what I mean. Against my better judgement, I've fallen for you Vakarian."

"Well, I'm always here to pick you back you back up again. And the feeling's mutual." He strides over to where I stand.

I give him a mischievous smile. "Stay. Stay here tonight." _I couldn't bear the thought of being alone. Maybe with him here I can keep myself together enough to get some sleep without falling apart again. Ugh. It's not supposed to be this way._

"Ah, think you might need my shoulder to cry on in the middle of the night?" He jests, wrapping an arm around my waist.

"Or bite." I smirk and hop up on the edge of the bed.

Garrus moves in between my legs and runs his fingers along my jaw. "You wouldn't be trying to take advantage of me when I just came here to talk, would you?"

I tap my lip as though I'm thinking. "Doesn't sound like me." I lean up and press my cheek to the side of his face, whispering, "I think I'll be telling you exactly how I'm feeling, inside."

He nuzzles my neck before pushing me onto my back and then climbing into the bed beside me. His arm glides around my shoulders and he pulls me close, my head resting on his chest.

Twisting around to look at him, I raise an eyebrow. _This isn't exactly how this usually goes…_

Garrus runs his hand down my arm. "I told you, I'm not here for that. I'm here because I want to be with you." His voice is kind and loving; suddenly, I feel like an idiot for never spending time with him like this before. He shrugs. "Now, later maybe. If you really want to."

I shake my head, almost amused. "You're something else, you know that?"

"Probably, I'm a lot of things. The word you might be searching for is 'badass.'"

"I don't know that I'd go that far; your ass is at least mediocre." I jab him in the ribs with a smirk.

Garrus chuckles, then he turns thoughtful. "Seriously though, Shepard, we have our fun, but you are more to me than that. I'll be by your side until the end. You aren't facing this alone and you don't have to keep things to yourself anymore."

I sigh and nestle closer to him. _Maybe I do get to be alive. Maybe I can have this, at least for a while._ "Thank you."


End file.
